Musings on Body Image

This post will have a slightly different tone than others I’ve made so far. Sorry, I’m feeling a bit introspective. Content warning: This post discusses issues of weight and body image.

Memory #1— First grade. It was quiet reading time at school, and I was sitting with my back against a wall, knees propped up, and a book in my hands. I noticed several classmates laughing and pointing at me. I asked what was wrong. They said my legs looked funny. I had been swinging my knees, and my calves had been bobbling along. I have very large calves, and the other children thought they looked weird. I looked at my legs and wondered if something was wrong with them.

Memory #2— I was probably about 8 or 9. My family was visiting extended family, and I was playing with my cousin while our mothers chatted with each other in the kitchen. My cousin and I walked into the kitchen, and one of the moms (I don’t even remember which one) made a comment, “looks like Abby’s going to end up curvier than Jane when they grow up.” [Not my cousin’s real name… I’m protecting the innocent] 

I looked down at my body. Curvy? What does that mean? Is it bad? Should I worry?

Memory #3— I was 16. I went to the mall because I needed some pants. I couldn’t find anything that fit right, looked flattering, and was in my budget. The glaring lights of the fitting rooms somehow made me look freakish and ugly. I came home, fell on the armchair, and cried. It was the first time I was fully aware that something was “wrong” with my body. It wasn’t the right shape. It was fat. It was ugly. I felt deep shame, but I had no idea what to do about it. My dad actually owned two fitness centers, and I worked out there quite often. I rode my bike everywhere, I worked in the garden, I danced... I had a very active life, and I ate healthful foods. Why did I not look like the models at the mall? I felt hopeless.

Today— I’m 41. I look in the mirror, and I truly love what I see. I don’t care that my body is round instead of straight. Who the f— made the stupid rules that straight is better than round, anyway? There are more important and interesting things in life than mere appearances. I’m doing what I love, and my body supports me. That’s what matters. My round body is fantastic!

A few days ago I visited a friend, and in part of our conversation, she mentioned that she has gained weight, and it is stressing her out. My friend is very slender. She pointed at her navel, claiming that it is fat. I didn’t see anything. I told her that she’s fine; what’s important is health. She says, “yes, but I want to feel cute, and if I don’t, I get depressed.” I told her she does look cute, but she didn’t believe me. I knew that if I pressed the issue, I’d trigger her into a spiral, so I let it go.

But I feel sad that my friend doesn’t “feel cute” exactly how she is. She’s very cute! But she has a condition called body dysmorphia. That terrible illness never lets you feel satisfied. It always finds something “wrong” and eats you up about it. It is a wicked, evil, mental illness, that I wish I could just make disappear from the earth. Nobody deserves that kind of torment.

People with body dysmorphia have varying levels of lucidity about their condition. It is difficult to treat, because most sufferers don’t actually see it as a problem. They actually believe that these ideas about the ugliness of their bodies, rather than being a subjective opinion, are objective truth. Nothing you say can sway their belief. They hold onto it like gospel, refusing to consider any other idea. They are blind, while claiming to see more clearly than anyone else.

I do not have body dysmorphia, but I have experienced periods of intense self loathing related to body image, and it was terrible. I can’t imagine living that way all the time. My heart goes out to people with this condition. I want to give them all a big hug. (And I’m not really much of a hugger, so that’s saying something.)

Even for people who do not pass the threshold for having body dysmorphia per se, most people have experienced an unaccepting, unhealthful self image. It is particularly bad for women.

The average size of women fashion models has been going down and down over the decades. So-called beauty standards just become increasingly impossible and unrealistic. This leads to eating disorders, depression, and lots of other forms of suffering.

It makes me want to flip desks! Stop the madness!

I do not yet have training in how to help people with body image problems, and I’m not even sure such training exists for herbalists (as opposed to psychologists, etc.). I’m sure, like most things, it is affected by in-born personality tendencies. Some people are more prone to body anxieties than others. That said, how can we free ourselves? I only have ideas, not solid proof.

Here are some things that worked for me:

• I have come to realize that most of these standards are created by the patriarchy to keep women in submission, and to enforce hierarchies among men. Generally, women tend to need to store more fat than men. Breasts and hips are made of fat tissue, and fat cells actually produce estrogen in female-gendered bodies. (But obviously there is a LOT of variation across all bodies, no matter the gender.) Associating fatness with femininity is the first step in pathologizing it. Convincing women that something is inherently wrong with them keeps them from joining society as equals. Similarly, convincing men that only certain types of muscular builds are “truly manly” does the same thing. This allows the most violent among us to seize societal power, as they claim to be the only valid expressions of humanity. Focusing on something they naturally have, which other people do not naturally have (e.g. a muscular build) gives them an excuse to look down on everyone else.

• There is a LOT of corporate interest in keeping people unhappy. It’s hard to convince someone to buy something if they are content with their lives. Promoting increasingly less-realistic body standards generates sales of all kinds of products, as people try to make their own bodies achieve those supposed ideals. It’s a scam, people!

• I have studied health intently for a long time, and I’ve learned that weight and health are NOT correlated. You are no more likely to die at higher weights than you are at lower weights. In fact, some studies show that higher-weight people live longer.Fat is not inherently unhealthy. On the contrary, it has many important roles in the body, including regulating hormones, protecting nerves, and supporting nutrient absorption. The primary predictor of health is cardiovascular fitness (measured in the lab by treadmill endurance), and you can achieve that at any weight. The claim that fatphobia is only concerned about people’s health is absurd, and a complete lie. I will write more in-depth about this in a future post. Meanwhile, below are some results from studies comparing body weight to cardiovascular fitness, and all-cause mortality. The farther right on the chart the dots are, the more likely they are to die. “1” means the same chance of death.

• The final factor is not something I would wish on others, but I include it because it might provide some perspective. About 15 years ago, I became stricken with chronic illness, and I suffered for years. There is something about being in physical pain FOR A REALLY LONG TIME that really puts things into focus. Unfortunately, pain is a patient teacher. One of the lessons was to cherish what really matters. I don’t care if I’m the ugliest person in the world, I just want to feel better! What really matters is vitality. As I have slowly recovered, I have decided to focus on my core values and find joy in what I truly love.

These ideas listed are all psycho-social. I hope to get more training in how to approach the issue of body image from an herbalist’s perspective, since I’m convinced there is also a physiological aspect involved as well. I’ll keep you posted!

Quick admin note— I won’t be producing a lunation monograph this month; I’m sorry if you were looking forward to Aquarius! I have had a lot going on lately, and I’m feeling a bit burnt out. The lunation monographs take a lot of work, and I need to focus on catching up and resting—I tell my clients to do this, so I should follow my own advice! :)